The Horrible Selfie That Makes Me Cry…And Why I Won’t Delete It

I was looking through old pictures on the computer yesterday, on a mission for a certain project.

Going through those files always brings so many feelings to the surface.  I instantly put them into categories:

-Way Before Diagnosis

-Super Sick Time Leading Up To Diagnosis

-The Time of Diagnosis

-Post Diagnosis

I stumbled upon a certain photograph. I remembered it immediately, and it brought me to tears.

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Now, I’m not a big selfie person. But I vividly remember that day, in May of 2013 – probably one of my very worst days. I felt like I needed to take a picture of myself so I could see what I looked like to the world. If I looked just as bad as I felt. It wasn’t for anyone else to see, just me.

I had felt so miserable for 15 months at this point, and I just so badly wanted to know what was wrong with me. I believed I was facing the rest of my life feeling just. this. awful. It was right before I was told my body stopped making antibodies and I would need weekly treatments to survive.

It was a dark time.  I tried putting on a smile but there were so many tears behind it. This picture captures all of it. My sick, swollen eyes that opened every morning only after wiping the ‘sick’ away. My nose, that was a permanent shade of red from blowing it. But what’s worse than the physical part of this photograph, is how I can see the other kind of pain there, too.

So much worry. So much fear. So much despair. So much sadness.

My body was shutting down and it was terrifying.

I was losing hope.

I was everything I wasn’t used to being.

And it sucked.

I remember seeing this photo a few months after That Day.

I remember feeling so overwhelmed with sadness for this girl, and I remember my finger almost hitting the delete button, and then something stopped me.

I wanted to keep this. I wanted it to remind me of where I’ve been, and how far I’ve come.

My journey to good health was (and is) a long one.  This photo has always been proof that I’ve improved, slowly but surely. Because I didn’t look like this sad girl anymore.

And I knew then that I’d never ever delete this photograph. On bad days, I’ll look at it, and I’ll remember her. And I’ll celebrate who I’ve become. And while it wasn’t the path I ever envisioned my life taking (like in the Way Before Diagnosis Pictures), I’m so much better than Super Sick Time Leading Up To Diagnosis Liz. And Time of Diagnosis Liz, too. That poor thing. She was a mess.

I want to hold onto this picture to remind me of hope. That just when you think it’s lost…

It’s not.

Post Diagnosis Liz can vouch for that. She’s well. She’s happy. She’s here. She has eyes that open on their own and face a day doing what she loves.

She considers herself the luckiest girl in the world.


What a long way we’ve come.



  1. Wonderful story of hope and faith. Beautiful example.

  2. Shannon Quinby says:

    🙂 XOXO

  3. What a wonderful wonderful post!

  4. Rosy Taylor says:

    Thank you for reminding me of the hope. My husband has been very ill with “fevers of unknown origin” since his kidney transplant and later a big liver bile duct surgery. I find myself often losing that hope as I look too far into the future, but things CAN turn out differently from what we fear. You’re an example of that and I appreciate it. God bless you!

    • This is exactly why I wrote this post, Rosy – I am so glad it reached you and can give you hope! Thank you for sharing your story. God bless, and I hope your husband finds the answers he needs too!

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